16 December 2011

A mixed up xmas........

Xmas for me is always a mixed up, manic and emotional time of year.....I have 2 young boys so on the one hand its and exciting and magical experience just making everything special for them....putting up the decorations, secret trips to Santa, seeing their faces on Xmas day...nothing compares to it.....then theres the flipside that makes Xmas hard for me......i lost both my parents to cancer at Xmas time.....one a few days before and then one just a few days after. Dealing with the loss of one is hard enough...but going through the same thing all over again....tough. I get this sick feeling inside me...and a sense of loneliness when i think about it. I lie in bed at night sometimes and just cry...i think every so often i just need to get it out.

I believe its made me strong....and having the children there has stopped my emotions running away with me. Iv had to be strong for them....... I do have my sad moments away from the kids...and i always wonder..'why me' and 'why this time of year'. My parents loved Xmas....and i know they wouldn't have wanted me to be sad for them..but it is tough to deal with!!

I don't normally write personal blog posts but just something spurned me today...i think i just needed to talk about it......let it out....perhaps then i can allow myself to get back to the magical, mystery Xmas creator i need to be for my boys!!

I know ill have a fantastic Xmas but it'll always be tinged with a little sadness. Every year gets a little easier..but that same pain...you'll just never forget

Miss you Mum & Dad
kisses from
Toxy xxPin It

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Toxy xxx

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